Wonderful world of whimsy

From the realm of silly puns:

• I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

• When chemists die, they barium.

• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

• I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

• I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a type-O.

• We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.

• I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

• Broken pencils are pointless.

• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a


• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

• Velcro — what a rip off!

• A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

• Venison for dinner again? Oh, deer!

• An earthquake in Washington, D.C., obviously wouldn’t be the government’s fault.

• Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Straight from the source:

• “Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, ‘Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.’” 

— Lillian Carter, mother of Jimmy and Billy Carter

• “I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue:  ‘Not good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’”

— Eleanor Roosevelt  

• “Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.”

— Mark Twain  

• “The secret of a good sermon is to have a good

beginning and a good ending, and to have the two as close together as possible.”

— George Burns

• “Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.”

— Victor Borge    

• “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”

— Mark Twain  

• “By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.

— Socrates    

• “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”

— Groucho Marx     

• “My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.”

— Jimmy Durante   

• “I have never hated a man enough to give his

diamonds back.”

— Zsa Zsa Gabor

• “Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.”

— Alex Levine    

• “My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery,

people would stop dying.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

• “Money can’t buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.”

— Spike Milligan    

• “Until I was 13, I thought my name was Shut Up.”

— Joe Namath   

• “I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.

— Bob Hope

• “I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.”

— W. C. Fields 

• “We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.”

— Will Rogers

• “Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.”

— Winston Churchill

• “Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty.  But everything else starts to wear out, fall out or spread out.”

— Phyllis Diller     

• “By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.”

— Billy Crystal