Kids have a marvellous way of expressing themselves at all times, but it’s especially true as we approach each Christmas season. They dutifully sit down and painstakingly compose their annual letters to Santa, coming up with seasonal gems like these:
“Dear Santa Claus:
“Thanks for the baby brother you left us last Christmas. I sure hope you can do better this year.”
— Robert
“Dear Mr. Santa Claus:
“We will all hang up our stockings by the chimney for you. Mine is the one with the hole in it.”
— Chris
“Dear Santa:
“Are all your presents just for good little boys and girls? It isn’t fair.”
— Brenda
“Dear Mr. Santa:
“Please save all your presents for the poor kids. After them, I come next.”
— Trudy
“Dear Santa:
“My doll needs a boyfriend. So does my big sister.”
— Jill
“Santa:
“No socks, please.”
— Raymond
“Dear Mr. Santa Claus:
“Even if you don’t bring me what I want for Christmas, I will still love you. But not much.”
— Andrew
“Dear Santa:
“I'm writing for our whole family. My brother wants a Lazer-Sound ’n Lite gun; I want a Barbie set; My Mom wants someone called Brad Pitt; and as near as I can figure it, my Dad wants ... a break. He keeps saying, ‘Gimme a break!’”
— Tricia
“Dear Santa:
“Our hockey team really needs a new goalie for Christmas. Please hurry!”
— Danny
We’re always amused at the humour, logic and innocence of children’s letters to Santa, but, given the chance, what do you suppose adults would write to the jolly old fellow? Maybe something like this:
“Dear Santa:
“What I really need this year is a higher limit on my Visa card.”
— Bob
“Dear Santa:
“If you are thinking of leaving my daughter another of those dolls that talk, how about one that says: ‘Clean up your room. Pick up your clothes. Do your homework. Go to bed right now.’”
— Brenda’s mother
“Dear Santa:
“I know you’re very busy and may not be able to satisfy this request, because probably even you can’t control the weather, but all I really want this year is a shorter winter.”
— Edgar
“Dear Santa:
“Thanks for those great golf clubs you gave me last Christmas. Unfortunately, they haven’t solved my golfing problem. This year I really need just a few straight drives, maybe three or four per round, not long, just straight. Please, Santa!”
— Sid the Slicer
“Dear Santa Claus:
“I don’t mind what toys you leave our kids this year as long as they are quiet toys. Please, no drum sets, beeping games or screeching electronic weapons. How about a few nice quiet, peaceful books?
— Hearing Impaired
“Dear Santa:
“Please leave me another bottle of that ‘Guaranteed to Catch a Man, perfume. But, maybe you should make it a little bit stronger this year.”
— Mary
“Dear Santa:
“When you receive the annual letter from my son, Timothy, could you please send it back to him with the spelling corrected?”
— A teacher
“Dear Santa:
“My son is going to ask you for that incredibly expensive combination rocket ship/space station/Intergalactic message centre/electronic game package. Could you please try to talk him out of it?”
— A cash-deprived parent