Jumbled thoughts from the bewildered

We often get our thoughts jumbled. Whether it’s because we’re in a hurry or we’re upset, what we say or write just doesn't make any sense — sometimes.  This failure to communicate effectively is embarrassing to us but highly amusing to everyone else. Which is in keeping with the life credo, “Everything’s funny as long as it’s happening to other people.”
So, at the other person’s expense (keeping in mind that next time it may be  our blunder),  let’s consider a few examples of thoughts gone awry.
Letters received by the government:
• “This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it?”
• “Unless I get my husband’s  money, I will be forced to live an immortal life.”
• “You have changed my little boy into a girl. Will this make any difference?”
• “Please find out if my husband is dead as the man I am living with won’t do anything until he is sure.”
• “In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a 10-pound boy. Is this satisfactory?”
• “Regarding my teeth — the ones in the top are alright; the ones in my bottom are hurting.”
• “I want my money as soon as you can send it.  I have been in bed with a doctor and he doesn’t seem to be doing me any good.”
• “Please send the money immediately. I have fallen into errors with my landlord.”
• “I am upset that you have branded my son as illiterate. This is not true. I was married to his father two weeks before he was born.” 
Letters received at school:
• “George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.”
• “Please excuse Janie. She had an absent tooth.”
• “Alexander was away yesterday because he had loose vowels.”
• “I kept Susan home today because she wasn’t feeling too bright.”
• “Janet was kept home sick. She was in bed under the doctor and could not get up.”
• “Please excuse Paul from being absent yesterday. He had diah (crossed out), diahoah (crossed out), dyah (crossed out), he was sick.”
Letters received by car insurance companies:
• “I collided with a stationary bus coming the other way.”
• “The other car ran into me without warning of its intention to do so.”
• “A bull was standing nearby, and a fly must have tickled him because he gored my car.”
• “The other man altered his mind so I had to run into him.”
• “Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.”
• “A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.”
• “I had been learning power-steering.  I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.”
• “The gentleman behind struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in the bush with just his rear-end showing.”
• “She suddenly saw me; lost her head; and we met sideways.”
• “I blew my horn but it wouldn’t work because it had been stolen.”
• “I thought the side window was down, but it was up as I found out when I put my head through it.”
• “I badly misjudged a woman crossing the street.”