Wonderful world of whimsy

Questions for seniors:
Question: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
Answer: The next time you’re in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.
Question: Why should seniors use valet parking?
Answer: Valets don’t forget where they park your car.
Question: Is it common for a senior to have problems with short-term memory storage?
Answer: Storing memory is not the problem. Retrieving it is a problem.
Question: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
Answer: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Question: What is the most common remark made by seniors when they enter antique stores?
Answer: “I remember these.”
Question: Where do seniors look for fashionable glasses?
Answer: Their foreheads.
Investment tips you shouldn’t take. Watch for these mergers:
• Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
• Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers will join forces and become Poly, Warner Cracker.
• 3M will merge with Goodyear and become MMMGood.
• Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become ZipAudiDoDa.
• Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become Fairwell Honeychild.
• FedEx is expected to join its competitor UPS and become FedUP.
The centipede
A guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet, so he went to the pet shop and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede which came in a little box.
He decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub to have a drink. He asked the centipede in the box, “Would you like to go down to the pub and have a beer?” 
But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, “How about going to the pub for a drink?” But again, there was no answer from his new pet.
So he waited a few minutes more and then decided to ask him one more time,  “Hey in there! Would you like to go to the pub?”
A little voice came out of the box, “I heard you the first time! I’m putting my shoes on!”
Weird thoughts to ponder:
• I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it. 
• I had amnesia once or twice. 
• I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart. Now what? 
• Protons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic. 
• All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t bring me happiness. 
• What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free? 
• They told me I was gullible and I believed them. 
• Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and when he grows up, he’ll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway. 
• Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone. 
• One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people. 
• My weight is perfect for my height, which varies. 
• I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure. 
• The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity. 
• How can there be self-help “groups?” 
• If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? 
• Is it just me or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?