Christmas trees are like snowflakes: Seems like no two are ever the same. An all-red design with scarlet lights and ruffled bows may be your jam, while other households pile on homemade popcorn-and-cranberry garlands, plus the macaroni wreaths the kids made in school.
Frankly, there aren’t a lot of rules for the Christmas ornaments to put on your boughs, but let’s just say that some are so far out there, they could cause your tree to teeter.
In case you’re curious, check out some of the oddest choices we’ve seen below:
1. Stick of butter
What is it with food ornaments, people? We’ve seen avocado halves, bananas, and even hot dogs wearing jaunty elf caps.
If it’s a special theme you’re working on, find a small tabletop tree and festoon it with a bunch of bacon and eggs and hamburgers, but for the main tree, leave the butter in the fridge. Now, if it’s a pickle, okay. At least that’s a legitimate Christmas tradition. Don’t believe us? Look it up.
2. Mangled Barbie
When your brother was 6 and ripped the limbs off of your Barbie, he had to sit in time out. So what should the punishment be for such a design?
3. Covid-19 virus
We’ve all seen depictions of the COVID-19 germ: red, prickly, deadly. It’s your call as to whether it’s a welcome bauble for your holiday tree. It seems to make sense this year. You could hang it for the season, and when it’s time to take it down, symbolically throw it into the fireplace. We’re especially fond of this idea.
4. Grunge rockers
Truth: Dave Grohl may be working on his hippy vibe, with his long locks and beard, but you can’t convince us that he belongs on display on your tree.
It’s nice you saw him in concert last year, but wear the T-shirt instead.
5. Doll’s head
Why someone felt the need to pair dripping paint with a decapitated baby head is a mystery.
If you must own the above piece, at least hide it in the back of your tree, so as not to freak out the kids.
6. Scary pepper faces
Yeah, we get the idea. Wicked hot ghost peppers are scary on the tongue, so crafting an ornament that’s literally screaming is a (sad?) attempt at humour.
Although they are kind of adorable.
7. Big teeth
Are you a dentist? A mortician? Then no, a set of oversized chompers is not the most festive ornament to display on your balsam. If anything, this bauble will prompt you to race to a mirror to check for spinach and coffee stains on your own front teeth.
8. Borat-style mankini
You want to look away, but like a car crash in slow motion, this type of bikini bottom and neck holster is just too riveting to ignore no matter where it appears.
Leave Borat and his wacky attire on your TV screen rather than on your Christmas tree this year.
If you’re a merman fan, there are loads of these you can add to your collection, including one in a green plaid kilt and another sitting in a rainbow unicorn pool toy.
I mean, it’s got glitter, and if you squint hard enough, this type of ornament might just look like a regular Christmas ball on the tree.
Alas, it is not — and there’s no good reason why snails should adorn a spruce. Even if you make the argument that they live in the same climate zone as pine trees, this shelled creature doesn’t make sense, period.
11. Masked santa
Of course the light-blue surgical face mask is the epitome of 2020 gloom and doom, which means Santa, his many elves, and all those fuzzy brown reindeer will be seen with masks of every size and colour covering noses and snouts.
12. Hand sanitizer
Hand sanitizer became a permanent fixture in our homes this year. So it makes sense it would appear on our trees, too.
Believe it or not, all of these wonders of holiday cheer are available on Amazon or Etsy. If anything, they’ll make great conversation pieces.