Some humour from the golf course

Here’s a little golf humour to take your mind off the fact that you may be having your worst golf-year ever. Take heart that you are not alone, as in, “Been there, done that!” 

We all know the frustrations intrinsic to the game. In golf, it’s often hard to believe that one day you can feel like you’ve actually figured out part of the game and then the very next day you play as if you’ve never before been on a golf course. How can that be? It’s easy. That’s golf.

These little golf whimsies are also designed to balance out all that tedious instructional stuff you're currently reading in an attempt to cure your slice, hook, shank, putting woes, erratic swing plane,erratic nerves, etc.

If you’ve heard these jokes, sorry, but it’s not surprising. If you haven’t heard them, maybe you’re not quite as avid a golfer as we always thought you were.  Avid golfers may not play well, but they can certainly talk a good game and have usually heard every golf joke under the sun.

Golf chuckles:

• The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.

• An avid golfer went to his priest and asked if there were any golf courses in Heaven. The priest said he would find out for him. The next day the priest called the golfer and said, “I’ve done some checking and there’s some good news and some bad news.” 

 The golfer asked for the good news first.

“Well,” said the priest, “the good news is that there definitely are golf courses in Heaven.” 

“And, the bad news?” the golfer asked. 

The priest paused a moment and replied, “You’ve got a tee-time next Sunday.”

The biggest lies about golf:

• “It doesn’t matter what you shoot, as long as you're having fun.”

• “You look great in those orange polyester slacks.”

• “Only 110 yards to the pin? Sure, you can get there with your pitching  wedge.”

• “All you have to do is keep your head down and your left arm straight.”

• “That putt will only break about an inch.”

• “A bunker shot is no different than any other shot in golf.”

• “Sure, you can hit it between those branches. No, really, you can make that shot, I know you can.”

• “It’s not that difficult to hit out of a divot. Here, I’ll show you.”

• “This new set of $2,000 clubs is going to shave at least 10 strokes off my game.”

• “This is great exercise.”

• “Yeah, it looks like a long way to the flag, but it’s actually deceiving.”

• “These new cavity-backed irons are very forgiving.”

• “You can’t possibly miss a short putt like that.”

It was a warm Saturday morning on the first tee and Harry and Charlie were enjoying the day when a voice came over the pro-shop loudspeaker: “Would the gentleman on the women’s tee please back up to the men’s tee!”

Charlie was still deep into his swing routine, seemingly impervious to this


Again the announcement; “Would the man on the women’s tee kindly back up to the men’s tee!” 

Charlie simply ignored the voice and kept concentrating, when once more, the loudspeaker boomed: “Would the man on the woman’s tee back up to the men’s tee, please!”

Finally Charlie stopped, whirled around, glared at the pro-shop window and shouted back: “Would the person in the pro shop kindly allow me to play my  second shot?”

There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly or learn to cheat.