The wonderful world of women

It’s no bulletin that men and women think differently. For example, a woman will say that her husband takes the trash out and then gives the impression that he just cleaned the entire house.

Other Mars/Venus examples might include the following domestic exchanges between husband and wife:

• He: Why wear a bra, you haven’t much to put in it.

She: Well, you wear briefs, don’t you?

• She: What do you mean by coming home half drunk?  

He: It’s not my fault. I ran out of money.

• He: What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She: Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

• He: Let’s go out and have some fun tonight. 

She: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

How women would improve men:

If a woman was running a night-school improvement course for men, she might call it: A Few Tips for Men. Have You got 10 years? 

And, the topics in the course would probably include:

• How to fill the ice cube trays (step by step with slide presentation.

• The toilet paper roll: No, it doesn’t change itself!

• Fundamental differences between the laundry basket and the floor (pictures and explanatory graphics).

• The after-dinner dishes and silverware: No, they don’t levitate and fly into the kitchen sink by themselves (examples on video).

• Loss of identity: Losing the remote control to your significant other.

• Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while yelling.

• Health watch: Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health (graphics and audio tape).

• Real men ask for directions when lost: You can do it, too (real-life testimonials).

• Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks (driving simulation)?

• Learning to live with others: Basic differences between your mother and your wife.

• How to be the ideal shopping companion (relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques).

• How to fight cerebral atrophy: Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you’re going to be late.

How women interpret things:

Women have an intrinsic ability to see through the brainless things that we men say. For example, if a man says, “I’m going fishing,”  a woman knows that really means, “I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by the side of a lake with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.”

If a man says, “It’s a guy thing,” a woman knows that really means, “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”

Other examples:

• “Can I help with the dinner,” means, “Why isn’t it already on the table?”

• “Uh, sure. Yes, dear. Sure, honey,”  means absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.

• “It would take too long to explain,” means, “I have no idea how it works.”

• “Take a break, Honey. You’re working too hard,” means, “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”

• “You know how bad my memory is,” means, “I remember the theme song from Mash, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”

• “Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” means, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I’m hurt.”

• “You look terrific,” means, “Please don’t try on any more outfits.”

• “I’m not lost. I know exactly where we are,” means,” I haven’t a clue and no one will ever see us alive again!”

What are men like? A woman came up with these thoughts about what makes men tick. She said that men are like:

• Weather — Nothing can be done to change them.

• Blenders — You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.

• Chocolate bars — Sweet and smooth and they usually head right for your hips.

• Commercials — You can’t always believe what they say.

• Government bonds — They take so long to mature.

• Horoscopes — They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

• Mascara — They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

• Lava lamps — Fun to look at, but not very bright.

• Parking spots — All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.