It’s time for a little summer whimsy. Contemplate the following gems:
• A summer prediction: Absolutely no one will be watching when you do a perfect reverse double somersault off the pier. But everyone will be watching when you belly-flop into the water, splashing a group of old ladies and small children.
• A large sign in a department store window: “Buy your girl a bikini. It’s the least you can do for her!”
• Harry and Charlie are exchanging summer holiday horror stories, and Charlie says: “Well, every time we go on vacation it’s the same routine. We get up at six in the morning to get an early start. We eat a good breakfast. Then we pack, notify the neighbours, stop the mail and newspaper, arrange for a kid to cut the lawn and water the garden, and we take the dog to the kennel.
“Then the kids say goodbye to their friends. We set the lights on a timer, lock all the doors and windows, and activate the alarm system.
“And after all this is finally done, you know what we do? We go to bed because I hate night driving!”
The kids might like these riddles:
• Why did the firefly get bad grades in school?
— He wasn’t very bright.
• Why did the cow cross the road?
— The chicken was on summer vacation.
• Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?
— He wanted to make up for a bad summer.
More summer whimsy:
• That wise, old summer sage said it: “Despite the incredibly fast pace of this amazing Internet age, man still hasn’t invented anything that goes faster than a summer vacation.”
• A summer farming thought from Old Macdonald: “Well, you know, as I see it, a farm is a piece of land on which, if you get up early enough in the morning and work late enough at night, you’ll eventually make a fortune, if you strike oil.”
• From the baseball diamond: “A no-hit pitcher is a guy who can throw a ball faster than you can shake a stick at it.”
• Another summer prediction: There will be 32 days of endless sunshine, and not a single drop of rain until the morning that you and the family leave for your vacation at the lake.
• Vacationer: “We’re in cabin No. 6. Does the rain always come through the roof like this?”
Owner: “Oh no, sir, only when it rains.”
• Summer truism: One of the biggest breaks that moms get is that they are not necessarily the parent who is supposed to know how to throw a boomerang or fly a kite.
• Mosquitoes were the very first skin-divers.
Mosquito trivia at no extra charge: Did you know that there about 38 species of mosquitoes in Manitoba? Worldwide, there are over 2,000 species. This is supposed to make us feel better about the pesky little devils? Fat chance.
• Summer proverb: “He travels fastest who has the ability to fold the road map.” Or, simply use GPS.
• Kid’s logic: The parents were signing the necessary documents to send their young son, Robert, to summer camp for the first time. His younger brother was watching this procedure carefully and finally said, with tears in his eyes, “Dad, are we selling Robert?”
• Definition of a family swimming pool: A small body of water completely surrounded by other people’s children.