Wonderful world of whimsy

Have you ever heard any of the classic stories about how humourless U.S. President Calvin Coolidge was?   
Well, consider this.
A man of few words, Coolidge, nicknamed “Silent Cal,” cringed when anyone tried to engage him in conversation. At a dinner party, he sat through the meal without muttering a single word to the hostess. Embarrassed by the silence, she finally asked in desperation: “How do you like it here in Washington, Mr. President.  Do you find it different from Massachusetts?”
“Yes,”  he answered.
“Oh? Won’t you tell me about it, please?”
“Just did,” muttered Silent Cal.
• Sign in a stockbroker's office: “I may look busy, but in fact, I’m merely confused by insider-information and haven’t a clue what to do next.”
• Sign in a store’s Clocks and Watches department: “There’s no present like the time!”
• Pun city:  A guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from The Louvre. However, after carefully planning the crime and then getting in and out past the security guards, he was arrested just two blocks away when his getaway van ran out of gas. Asked how he could make such a stupid blunder, he replied: “I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”
•  Hollywood is a place where the girls are easy on the eyes and the air isn’t.
•  Harry and Charlie are having one of their ecological discussions and Harry finally sums it all up with: “Well, it all boils down to the fact that this little planet of ours is quickly running out of all the essential things that our ancestors never even figured we’d need.”
• The three least believable sentences:
1. The check is in the mail.
2. Of course, I’ll respect you in the morning.
3. I’m from the government and I’m here to help you.
•  Deep thought: How can a lawyer sit down and write a 10,000 word legal document and then have the nerve to call it,   “a brief?”
• Most new books are soon forgotten, especially by friends who have borrowed yours.
• A gorilla walks into a bar, looks at the drink list, points at “martini” and puts $20 down on bar. The bartender is shocked and runs into the back room to tell the boss.  
“Well, serve him,” said the boss. “But, give him only $2 change.  After all, he’s a gorilla, what does he know?”  
The bartender does all this, short-changes the animal, and then says with a nervous laugh, “You know, we don’t get many gorillas in here.”  
The gorilla replied, “Well, at these prices, I’m not surprised.”
• One of the great mysteries of life is how the idiot that married your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchildren in the world.
• A famous writer once gave a speech to a small literary group that could not really afford his fee.  When he discovered this, he returned the fee and asked that the money be put to good use. 
Some time later he ran into a member of the group and wondered what they had done with the money. The member said, “Oh, we decided to start a fund to get better speakers next year.”
• No matter how much a hospital charges for a private room, they only give you a semi-private gown.
• It has been said that the reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue.