Wonderful world of whimsy

One of life’s little ironies is that any decision you have to “sleep on” is certain to keep you awake.
Conscience is that tiny little voice deep inside you, warning that someone may be watching.
At a political meeting, a candidate was told he had been allotted just five minutes for his comments, so he began: “If I speak more than five minutes, I hope you will vote for my opponent and that he will be elected.”
He did, they did, and he was.
One good thing about egotists is that they never talk about other people!
Words of wisdom? 
• “Friends will help you move, but real friends will help you move bodies.”
• “Cleaning windows is a real pane in the glass.”
• “Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.”
• “It isn’t the things that go in one ear and out the other that hurt, as much as the things that go in one ear, get all confused, and then slip out  the mouth.”
• “If the best things in life are free, why are the next-best things so darn expensive?”
• “Life is like a bagel. It’s delicious when it’s fresh and warm, but too often it turns out to be hard. The hole in the middle is a great mystery, and yet it wouldn’t be a bagel without it.”
• It was an old sage who said: “Nobody seems to be able to remember exactly when we lost control of the economy, but it might have been when we discovered that 50 weeks of work wouldn’t pay for a two week vacation.”
• Customer: “What will it cost to fix my TV?”
Repairman: “What's wrong with it?”
Customer: “I don’t know.”
Repairman: “$347.38.”
• The longest word in the English language is the one following the phrase:  “And now, a word from our guest of honour.”
• How’s this for irony: A clothing manufacturer produced thousands of sweatshirts with the phrase, “Money isn’t everything,” on them.  
He went bankrupt.
• A manufacturing giant was showing a client through his factory when he stopped to talk to a stooped, gray-haired employee.
“And how long have you been with us, Wilson?” he inquired.   
“Thirty-nine years, sir,” beamed Wilson. “And may I add that in all that time I have only made one small, trifling little mistake.”
“Good work,” said the boss. “But from now on, try to be more careful.”
• The Law of Responsibility: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself.
• Sign on the mall bulletin board:  “Help an unwed mother. Call this number for a free kitten.”
• A father received a birthday parcel from his daughter who was away at university. Inside was an inexpensive pair of gloves with a small note attached.  It read,  “Dear Dad, this isn’t much, but it’s about all you can afford.”
• Truism: A good scare is usually worth a lot more to a person than good advice.
• Why is it that when you’re rich, it’s always on paper. But when you’re poor, it’s always in cash?
• Two young women are chatting and one says: “You know, I find that my husband's nasty disposition is stressing me out so much that I’m losing weight.”   
“Well, why don’t you leave him?” said the other woman.
“Oh, I will,” replied the first woman. “But I’m just waiting till he gets me down to about 110 pounds!”
• Economists are people who make money by predicting that it will be hot in July and cold in January, or maybe not.
• Teen wisdom: “The trouble with parents is that they're so old when you get them, it’s hard to change their habits.”