Wonderful world of whimsy


The following gives us a perspective on, “The other guy’s way of looking at things,” “Different strokes for different folks,” “It takes all kinds to make up the world,” and the ever popular, “Boy, some people are weird, eh?”  
It’s all relative:
• When the other fellow acts that way, he’s ugly.
When you do it, it’s just nerves.
• When he’s set in his ways, he’s obstinate.
When you are, it’s just firmness.
• When he doesn’t like your friends, he’s prejudiced.
When you don’t like his, you’re showing good judgment of human nature.
• When he tries to be accommodating, he’s polishing the apple.
When you do it, you’re using tact.
• When he takes time to do things, he’s dead slow.
When you take forever, you’re just deliberate.
• When he picks flaws, he’s cranky.
When you do it, you’re discriminating.
When kids say:
• “Right away,” that really means, “pretty soon.”
• “I’m coming,” really means, “I’m not coming.”
• “Pretty soon,” means, “never.”
• “I’m all dressed,” means, he has his undershirt on.
• “I’m just tying my shoelace,” means, he’s looking for his shoes.
• “It’s too cold in here,” means, she doesn’t want to go to sleep.
• “My stomach hurts,” means, she doesn’t want to go to sleep.
• “It’s too warm in here,” means, she doesn’t want to go to sleep.
• “There’s an awful lot of bears in here,” means, she doesn’t want to go to sleep.
• “Let me just finish this chapter,” means, he wants to stay up until one in the morning. 
• “You promised,” means, you said, “Maybe.”
• “I love you daddy,” means, he wants a jackknife.
• “I love you brother,” means, his brother has a jackknife.
• “I love you mommy,” means, he wants chocolate syrup on his icecream.
• “I love you cat,” means, there's nobody home.
Do you ever wonder if it’s all worth it? Life is not always a bed of roses, is it?  For example:
A man's life is full of trouble. He comes into the world without his consent and goes out usually against his will, and the trip between his coming and going can be exceedingly rocky.
• When he’s little, the big girls kiss him, but when he’s big, only little girls kiss him.
• If he’s poor, he’s said to be a bad manager. If he's rich, they'll claim he’s dishonest.
• If he needs credit, he can't get it. If he's prosperous, everyone wants to borrow money.
• If he’s in politics, they say he takes bribes. If he’s out of politics, he’s not patriotic. 
• If he gives to charity, it’s for show. If he doesn’t, he’s stingy.
• When he’s actively religious, some will say he’s a hypocrite. If he doesn’t take an interest in religion, they’ll call him a sinner.
If he gives affection, he’s a softy. If he cares for no one, he’s cold blooded.
• If he dies young, “There was a great future for him.”  If he lives to be old, “He missed his calling.”
• If he saves his money, he’s a grouch. If he spends it, he’s a squanderer. 
• If he works hard, they say he’s crazy. If he doesn’t work, he’s a bum.
I’m glad I’m a man!
I’m glad I'm a man, you better believe;
I don't live on yogurt, diet drinks or cottage cheese.
I don’t spend hours deciding what to wear;
And its only five minutes for fixing my hair!
I don’t go around checking my reflection,
In everything shiny from every direction.
I won’t cry if you say: “It’s not going to work!”
I won’t remain bitter and call you a jerk.
I’m a man by chance and I’m thankful it's true;
I’m so glad I’m a man and not a woman like you!
I’m glad I’m a woman!
I’m glad I’m a woman, yes I am, yes I am;
I don’t live on Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam.
What’s on my head doesn’t leave on my comb,
I’ll never buy a toupee to cover my dome,
Or have a few hairs pulled from over one side,
I’m a woman, you see and I have too much pride.
I won’t tell you my wife just doesn’t understand;
Or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.
I’m a woman by chance and I’m thankful it’s true;
I’m so glad I’m a woman and not a man like you!