A typical summer week:
• Monday: Recover from the weekend.
• Tuesday: Make plans for next weekend.
• Wednesday: The lull between weekends.
• Thursday: Get ready for the weekend.
• Friday: Leave for the weekend.
• Saturday and Sunday: Ahh, the weekend again!
Definition of a husband: Someone who takes his wife out of their modern home with all its conveniences, drives three hours into the wilderness, camps at a mosquito-infested lake, cooks dinner over a charcoal grill in a thunderstorm and insists that they’re having a great time.
Fishing riddle No. 27: How do you communicate with a fish?
Drop him a line.
Things to worry about while you’re away on vacation:
• You left the upstairs windows open to any and all thunderstorms.
• Assorted neighbourhood animals discover your clever cat door and are roaming through every inch of your house.
• Water starts to gush from your washing machine.
• Your home-security alarm goes off accidently and bellows for two days until someone can get in and shut it off.
• The person you hired to feed the dog decides to use your phone and call his friend in Malaysia.
Definition of a mosquito: A small biting insect created by God with the intention of making us feel better about the common house fly.
A summer loser is a guy who:
• Believes the story about the bears in the campsite never bothering anyone.
• Was sure there was a beautiful little lake just a little further down the highway. Instead, there’s a large sign that reads: “Heavy construction equipment next 50 kilometres. Dusty road. Expect delays.”
Golf joke No. 289:
Golfer: “You know, I’d move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course.”
Caddie: “Well, you better try heaven because you’ve already moved most of the earth.”
It was a gardener who said: “I can’t believe it. I’ve had this garden for three years now and all I’ve ever grown is disgusted!”
Harry and Charlie are playing one-upmanship on the beach and Harry says: “You know, it seems to me that a bikini is much like barbed wire — it protects the property without spoiling the view!”
Not to be outdone, Charlie counters with: “Yeah, and they say there’s nothing new under the sun, but there’s certainly a lot more of it showing on this beach.”
Slightly weird things to do in the summertime:
• Wear shorts with nine different colours in them.
• Finally learn how to fold a roadmap.
• Go skinny-dipping.
• Stain the back fence for one hour at a time, spread out over two months!
• Boat to that “special” bay an hour away from the cottage and end up catching a seven-inch fish.
• Finally tackle that 2,500-piece jigsaw puzzle.
Camping joke No. 83:
Camper: “What has six eyes, 10 arms, is six feet tall and green all over?”
Camp counselor: “I don't know.”
Camper: “Neither do I, but there’s one right outside our tent!”
A great sage of summer said: “A picnic is an occasion when you have to make strange decisions, like what winegoes with ants?”
Some golfers never win. Like the guy who was determined to improve his game. As his pro had advised, he kept his head down and never took his eyes off the ball. And while he was concentrating, someone stole his golf bag.
Father’s logic: Dad stayed home at work while the rest of the family was out at the lake for the summer. At the end of August, a friend asked how he’d made out alone all summer.
He said: “Well, it was okay, except I hate housework. You make the bed, you do the dishes, you clean up the place and then a month later you have to start all over again!”