Slices of life on the golf course

The twisted logic of golf:
• You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. 
• Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks. 
• “I wish I could play my normal game — just once.” 
• Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls. 
• If you find you don’t mind playing golf in the rain, snow, cold or wind, you’re a typical golfer. 
• Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot. 
• The term “mulligan” is really a contraction of the phrase “maul it again.” 
• A “gimme” can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers —  neither of whom can putt very well. 
• Achieving a certain level of success in golf is only important if you can finally enjoy that level you’ve reached after you’ve reached it. 
• An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it’s always possible to get worse. 
Father Norton’s day off
Father Norton woke up very early Sunday morning. Realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, he decided he just had to play golf. So he told the associate pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day. 
As soon as the associate pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a small golf course about 60 kilometres away. This way the father knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. And, since it was very early on the first tee, he was alone. 
About this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and asked, “You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?”
The lord sighed and replied, “No, I guess not.” 
Then, Father Norton hit the ball and it flew straight towards the green, landing just short of it, rolling up and dropping into the hole. It was a 420-yard hole-in-one!
Saint Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, “Why did you let him do that?”
The Lord smiled and replied, “Who’s he going to tell?” 
Quotes from the fairway:
• “Golf appeals to the child in us.  Just how childlike golfers become is proven  by their frequent inability to count past five.”  — John Updike 
• “It’s almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf.” —Robert Lynd 
• “If profanity had an influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is.” — Horace  Hutchinson  
• “Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.” — William Wordsworth 
• “I don't say my golf game is bad,  but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.” — author unknown 
• “The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.” — Billy Graham 
• “My handicap? Woods and irons.” — Chris Codiroli 
• “It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.” — author unknown
• “They say golf is like life, but don’t believe them. Golf is more complicated than that.” — Gardner Dickinson